Hoffman was secretly working on storing all the fruit away and killing each plant off as he went. He wanted to be in control of the island and the medical help it kept. Nellie was his faithful servant who kept this secret from everyone who lived on the island. President Hoffman was suffering from a sickness the strunberries couldn't cure. The president passed away leaving the people of the island in shock of what was to come.
Sean was the Vice President who thought he should fill in while Nellie was the President’s personal representative, who believed that she should take control of the island. This civil war had been in the making for many years. The island was divided in half, one half following their fearless leader Nellie, the other half following their leader Sean.
Sean wanted to keep peace but believed that their main concern should be for the environment. He believed that they killed off the produce with the pollution that was caused by machines and vehicles. Nellie wanted to be the best in every category no matter what the cost was. She wanted this to be the island with the highest exportation rate.
Sean told all the people of the island, “Nellie is a liar! I don’t have the hard evidence yet, but she has been helping President Hoffman keep secrets from us for many years.”
When Nellie heard this she went after Sean saying, “Sean is lying! He just wants to take over this island so he can get rid of all the machine shops and vehicles. Sean only cares about the environment, not the people who live on this island!”
This disagreement caused a civil war within the island. The civil war had been going on for a while when it finally made its way to the town that Claire lived in which was Superville.
Claire really didn't want her beautiful city destroyed. The people of Superville loved their city so much and it was filled with so much beautiful art and architecture. It would be a shame to demolish such a beautiful place. The people of Superville tried everything to detour the war from coming to their city. After their final attempt failed, Claire ran to the mountains and watched her beloved city become a pile of ash.
After the war moved on into another city Claire went back to the city to see if anything was left. She was crushed to find that the whole city was gone. There were bits and pieces of furniture and pictures everywhere she looked. When she found a couch that was still partly intact she sat there trying to calm herself down. She started sobbing and just couldn't stop. After a few minutes she had eventually cried herself into a deep sleep. Her sleep lasted a few years.
Finally, when she woke up she was strapped down to a metal table. There were I.V.'s in her arms and beeping machines all around her. She was scared and didn't know what was going on. Suddenly the doors opened and a robot nurse came in with a tray of supplies. The robot noticed that she was awake and hit the button on the side of her bed.
Her room was quickly filled with robots. When Claire talked to them, trying to figure out where she was and what was happening, the robots never responded. Finally, a bigger robot came into her room and noise filled the room. Claire noticed that the arm of the robot said BOB. The noise coming from the robots was a noise that Claire had never heard before. She tried to ask BOB what was going on and where she was when BOB answered, "We are the new inhabitants of Earth. You have been asleep for 25 years. There are no more left of your kind, and we are trying to figure out why that is. Do you know what happened to the rest of your species?"
This news frightened Claire. Looking down and shaking her head she said, "I have no clue what you are talking about. The last I knew we were in the middle of a Civil War. Why can't I leave here?"
The BOB responded, "You are here so we can monitor you. You can't leave until we figure out what happened to the rest of your species and why they disappeared."
Their conversation finished and the robots left her room. Every day after that day Claire refused to eat or communicate with anyone because she felt so out of place. One day she finally asked BOB what his name stood for.
BOB replied, "Biomedical Orthopedic Body."
BOB then went on to tell her that he was a robot that was controlled by something other than himself. Someone sent him orders of what to do and say. He was pretty much like any other robot body or droid. She asked who created him and BOB went on to tell her that the information she was asking for was classified. They went on and talked for a few hours until Claire was worn out. When Claire was trying to fall asleep, she couldn’t stop thinking about what was in her future. She worried about what will come next in her journey with BOB.
Author's note: I used the story of The Sleep of One Hundred Years. This story is about Onias who saw Jerusalem destroyed and then fell asleep for 100 years. The story of Onias is over 2000 years old and has been passed down since first century B.C.E. Onias fell asleep after his city was destroyed by a fire. When he awoke he knew no one and the place he was at seemed unsettling to him. He felt out of place because things had changed in the years he had been asleep. After he had gone into town he found out everything he knew was gone. He found some of his relatives that still lived near the town. When he talked to them he realized he could never live here because this is not the time and place he belonged in. I got the idea of a civil war from a series that I read a couple years ago called Divergent. I used Divergent and Hunger Games to lay a ground plot for the way I formatted this story. The major changes I made were changing the setting to be in a dystopia and making it in the future. My changes were based off the impression I got the first time reading through this story. I chose the image to represent BOB. I did this because BOB is Claire's only link to anything left after her sleep.
Bibliography:
Gertrude Landa, The Sleep of One Hundred Years
The body of the Future.
Photo by: TexelGirl-Stock
Link:Robot Picture
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis was an interesting story to read Ashley! I immediately got the feel for dystopian society much like that of the Divergent series. I really want more back story on the island and who won the Civil War. All I can think of right now is doing something like Avatar: The Last Airbender. Was their any motivation behind the names that you chose for the characters? What exactly does BOB stand for? Regardless, I really liked this story and I cannot wait to read your others this semester.
ReplyDeleteI was really caught off guard by Claire falling into a deep sleep after her city was destroyed! That was definitely an interesting plot twist. I like the dystopian aspect of your story, but it also reminded me of current society in a way, some people fighting against global warming and for the environment, while some are doing things that cause more pollution. Like Alec, I'm also curious as to what BOB means. Anyway, good job!
ReplyDeleteWow:
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I love how you mixed modern storytelling (something like Divergent) with the old, original tale behind this to create this new fusion. It was really creative, and I definitely didn’t see the plot twist with the long sleep and the robots coming.
I Wonder...?
Because of the nature of the plot twist, I did find myself with lots of questions, but I get that that was somewhat intentional (and that short stories like this aren’t supposed to answer all the questions in the first place, plus don’t really have time to). I did find myself wondering who created the robots, if there weren’t any more humans around after Claire, or if the robots came from some other place entirely.
What if...?
This is totally just a suggestion, but one thing you might want to consider in the future is splitting your story up into different paragraphs. Having it broken up with white space would probably make it easier to read on the screen, and would also help different sections of the story (like that huge plot twist) stand out better.
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI'm not familiar with the original work by Gertrude Landa nor am I really familiar with any of the stories you chose for your inspiration, but I really enjoyed your story none the less. Also, a civil war started by two ideologues seems to be a remarkably relevant topic for modern US politics.
I hope in the future, whether in a follow up story or otherwise, we can see the truth about BOB and who is controlling him. Claire could find out what happened to the world that used to surround her. I would like to know how such a dramatic change occurred, especially given how much more dramatic the change appears to be compared to the original. At least, that is what I infer from your author's note.
Thanks so much for sharing your work. This is a really strong start to your portfolio. I look forward to reading more of your stories throughout the upcoming semester.
Andrew
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI could tell about halfway through the story that you were using The Hunger Games for some story writing inspiration. I love the books and I think you did a great job of mirroring the scenes and emotions of Claire to that of Katniss and her surrounding. I had a little trouble following along because there were quite a few punctuation errors, mostly with missing commas. When you read back over it, try reading it aloud and if there are any natural pauses maybe put a comma there. I'm so happy that by the end you revealed what B.O.B stood for! It had me so curious and it was a relief to finally understand. I'm definitely intrigued about what the original story was like! You left off with a bit of a cliffhanger and that gives plenty of opportunity for future storytelling posts to continue on with this theme (even if this is a portfolio and not a storybook). This was a great read and I'm sure after revising it, you'll be able to delve a little further into character development.
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteThis story was so much fun to read! I love the dystopian society-type setting and The Hunger Games reference is so cool. I love those books and I agree with Savannah that you did a great job mirroring Claire and Katniss. I thought the twist ending was awesome. I love stories that take unexpected turns like that. I also really loved the idea of the robots. B.O.B. is a great robot name. The ending did leave me craving more though. Maybe you could figure out a way to make some sort of sequel for another one of your storytelling assignments! My only suggestions for a revision would be to maybe add in some more dialogue. I think this could help break up the story a bit and give it some more life. I’m really looking forward to seeing what other sorts of stories you include in your portfolio.
Hi Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love how you combined elements of the original story with elements of the current fad of Hunger Games and Divergent. It ties it into what people are interested in today while also telling a similar story that was told many years ago. You did a very good job with that. I'm wondering if there could be some more dialogue added in the beginning, because it felt a little rushed and I felt like I was running through the story, if that makes sense. If you were to continue writing stories in relation to this one with your portfolio, you could slow down and expand in certain areas. If you don't want to do that, you could always just cut a piece out or expand in the beginning with some dialogue, making the story first person would be a really interesting thing to do as well! Great job!
Hi Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI was assigned to comment on your portfolio and this story for the project feedback assignment. But as you already know, I've already left my comments on this story. I know you vaguely mentioned that Claire asked BOB who created her, but I really think you should expand on it, either in this story or subsequent stories. I can see BOB's and the other robot's creation being used as a huge plot twist. Perhaps they were created by one side to end the civil war or maybe a team of pacifists on both sides of the war created them to end the war and return peace to the land? Either way it would be cool if you used their creation as a way to tell how the human race was destroyed. Perhaps there was an error in their programming and sought out and killed everyone, but they did not find Claire since she was sleeping.
There are a lot of cool and potential routes that you can take with the creation of the robots. They could be harvesting people for energy, much like the Matrix, or they can simply just be the last survivors of the war. It would be cool to see which you choose.
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteYour first sentence captured me immediately! Everyone loves a good futuristic story and you wrote just that. I had never heard of or read the original story that your based yours on. I can tell, however, that you wrote an interesting and captivating version of the original story, based on what you wrote about it. What if you continued on the story beyond Claire's capture and took out some of the back story? I'm not sure if you were trying to focus more on the civil way itself or the fact that robots took over the world. I think that the end of your story would have flowed and ended better if you had a journey that Claire went on after she had been captured. I was very interested to hear what would happen after this, but the story ended abruptly. Other than that, I think you told a very interesting and detailed story and I enjoyed reading it!
Wow Ashley, I am speechless! You are a terrific writer. This entire story was so creative and captivating, I am so impressed. I love the various Hunger Games and Divergent references you make throughout the story. You added such a twist to an ancient story, which takes some serious talent. I hope you love to write since you are so talented! I think this story will work brilliantly in a portfolio. It demonstrates creativity and keeps the reader informed the entire time. Setting it in 2076 was also incredibly cool because you can add robots! Also, love the BOB. Incredibly creative and love that his name Biomedical Orthopedic Body. It sounds so perfect and so scientific! Perfect for the setting of your story. I think your portfolio is going to turn out so well! Your creative skills and impeccable writing makes it really enjoyable to read. I can’t wait to see the final product!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I really like the background on your page! It really goes with the story and makes it have a nice feel.
ReplyDeleteYour intro immediately drew me in- I really like the futuristic setting and the mystery of the strange healing fruit.
I would suggest expanding on the story a bit- really set up the suspense and conflict in the beginning and make the part where she's on the metal table more of an image- this is a big part of the story and it seemed really minor!
In all, this story seems really interesting and definitely like something I will want to keep up with! I really enjoyed your creativity and the characters that you have developed.
Great job!
Emily
Hey Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI have been assigned to comment on your portfolio this week. First of all, I really like the background you set on this page. I thought it goes really well with your story and the idea of a dystopian civil war and what not. I picked up pretty early that you used hunger games as a reference in your story and thought it was a very good idea to base your story on it. I think other people have touched on this but theres a few areas I think you should expand on. Maybe expand on the fact that President Hoffman died from sickness even though he has a fruit that can cure any disease. Also maybe talk about claires capture a little more because it seems to just jump into that without a lot of information in between. Overall though I really liked your story and cant wait to see where it goes!
This story is fascinating and so well done. I found myself really wishing there was another one so I could find out what happened with Claire and BOB. I really like you set this story in the future and had a great plot twist with Claire falling asleep for so many years.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder, did president Hoffman have a had in creating the robots? Or perhaps it was his faithful assistant who wanted to control the island. Maybe it's possible she created them to control the island and they grew to be more powerful and forced all the other humans into hiding? Really just spitballing here.
I know it's so difficult to fit all the details you might like into a short story but you did a great job of telling yours.
Just a small suggestion, separating the paragraphs and the past and future a little more with some space might make it a bit easier t read and really tell when the 25 year after period begins.
Such excellent work!
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the way your story moved along with purpose. Every sentence and event helped move the story along and develop character backgrounds. I am a huge fan of futuristic, dystopian society stories, and I am very intrigued to see where this story goes now that robots are the main inhabitants. The idealogical civil war is so relevant in today's world, especially considering the current presidential race and increasing extremism. Your story presumes to foreshadow the idea that we are destined to tear our country apart if this situation continues to worsen. Of course, I am very curious to know the details of what caused Claire to fall asleep and what happened while she was sleeping. I also want to know how the robots showed up and took over. I assume the humans wiped each other out before the robots arrived on the scene. I want to read the next chapter of this story to find out what makes Claire so special. Good storytelling, and keep up the good work!
Thorpe
Your story progressed really well. I thought your exposition for this futuristic world was great and really helped me, the reader, get a feel for the story's setting.
ReplyDeleteThe conflict between the two parties trying to grab the vacant seat of power was really fun to read as well. I thought you did a good job making both sides believable (in terms of tactics and policies) and defensible.
The ending, which was certainly interesting, kind of left me wanting more. Okay, it really left me wanting more. First of all, there is mention of a mysterious higher authority that all the robots answer to. Secondly, Claire's unwillingness to participate in the new world changes when she converses more deeply with BOB, which I think is an important detail. What more can you tell us about that conversation that leads Claire to change her views on her new world?
Overall good work. With a bit more, I think you'll have a really great story on your hands!
Hey Ashley!
ReplyDeleteI've decided to read two stories from your portfolio because I love your writing style and haven't gotten to explore it before! (And to get a little extra credit you know)
This story was interesting because of the in depth conflict. Throughout it, Claire kind of frustrated me. I am not sure if that is what you are going for or not but it seemed almost as if she was unwilling to adjust to anything that was not her way. She was stubborn.
This story was very well written! Great job